Young Man Dies of Boredom During Extended Trance Drop

It has been reported by Reuters today that a young man, Tommy Wadds, aged 19, has died of boredom at a trance festival he attended with friends. The incident occurred last night around 10 p.m. at the TranceLate festival in Berlin, during a two hour headline set by infamous shit-purveyor, Tiesto.

Event organisers said in a statement that “doctors arrived on the scene to find the young man unconscious due to extreme boredom.”

“They tried to revive him using the collected works of Jean Paul Sartre,” the report continued. “However this only served to worsen his condition. A second attempt was made to resuscitate him by paramedics, this time using Candy Crush, which has been known to temporarily relieve boredom. They observed some signs of improvement, however, after a short amount of time, the boredom returned and the young man was pronounced dead.”

“The official cause of death has been listed as ‘Cerebral Lethargy’ or Asphyxsiata Lethargia, which is known to the layman as ‘Terminal Boredom.’”

Asphyxsiata Lethargia is caused by a lack of oxygen in the Medulla Oblongata, a part of the brain required for controlling blood pressure and heart rate. There has only been one prior known case of this strange illness, which occurred during Scooter’s European Tour in 1995, where the death was blamed on Ecstasy rather than lethargy.

Doctors are theorizing that the young man may have had a latent problem which had gone unrecognised, citing his attendance at a Tiesto gig as proof that he did not have normal brain functions prior to the incident.

“The drop had gone on for about fifty minutes, and lots of people were feeling uneasy,” claimed one witness. “Some people still had their hands in the air, but you could see the strain on their faces. When the guy fell, some people made their way over to see if he was OK, but due to the fact that it was a Tiesto gig, nobody had either the desire or mental capacity to effectively help.”

In an interview given to Wunderground, his parents, who are reformed clubbers themselves, said that “the outpourings of sympathy have been very touching, and we appreciate them, but we did warn him. It was Tiesto after all. We raised him on good music, Robert Miles, Londonbeat, Black Box and C+C Music Factory. We did all we could for him.”