According to Zuma, South Africa’s got problems because people know South Africa’s got problems. If nobody knows about the trouble, then the trouble won’t exist, and everything would be fine. “It’s not my fault that the country is slipping,” he cried. “If the DA stops pointing out my incompetence, South Africa won’t be presented in a bad light and the economy will strengthen.”
The president rejected any claims that the stifling hold of trade unions, an uncertain economic plan as well as lacklustre implementation are responsible for the lethargic growth. “That is just more propaganda from opposition parties,” he sniffed. “If they keep quiet, prospective investors won’t notice that South Africa is a volatile environment and legislation hampers its ease to conduct business. My plans will succeed, even if the plans are doomed to fail, because no one will know about the imminent collapse.”
Zuma also claims that the Nkandla scandal is a DA plot to discredit him. “Helen Zille and her party’s incessant demanding of answers to questions about irregularities caused me to pay for upgrades to my private home with state funds,” maintained Zuma. “I would never have let the people pay for my house if not for the pesky DA.”
The ANC leader is adamant that the Marikana crisis and all the surrounding turmoil is a direct result of Helen Zille and the DA’s meddling. According to him Marikana would not have been a problem if the DA never called for answers. “They demand probes into the cause of civil unrest, probes into government response to civil unrest and probes into probes, and all these probes cause civil unrest,” Zuma moaned. “If they don’t paint such a grim picture of the platinum mining sector, the complications within the mining sector will go away, and investors will return.”
The Gupta Brothers came to the defence of Zuma, reminding us that the DA is to blame for the scandals involving them and President Zuma. “Opposition parties are always on his case,” remarked Ajay Gupta, oldest of the Gupta brothers. “Nobody is friendly with him, so we made friends an’ all. We’re also businessmen, so inevitably the relationship will become suspect, but it’s not his fault. Blame Zille.”
Ajay Gupta also claims that they would never have landed their private jet on a military air base if not for the DA. “We were forced to create a national security scandal because the Democratic Alliance continuously questions the integrity of our president in Parliament,” he declared. “If they allow him to carry on unhindered there will be no more scandal.”
The president reminded Parliament that his integrity and image is paramount if confidence in South Africa is to be restored. “It is not in South Africa’s best interest to let everyone know that I’m a liar and a cheat,” said Zuma. “The opposition is undermining the country with this agenda.”
Zuma asserted that in order to restore confidence in South Africa and improve economic growth, opposition parties need to set their own agendas aside and put the interests of all South Africans first. “Just forget that I’m incompetent. It’s the right thing to do.”
This story was published by Banana Newsline -
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